he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
