I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
