When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
