I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
