thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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