I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
