During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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