she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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