my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize