I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
