So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My vagina is officially offended.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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