My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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