You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
