currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
