i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
