I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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