i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
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