for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
