im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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