and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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