i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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