my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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