we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
