she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
