Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
