I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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