Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
