Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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