So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
