I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
This is my gift to your gina
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
