I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
