Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
