you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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