I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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