I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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