the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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