you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
