We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
