Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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