i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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