Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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