toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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