And the cops told us we were all naked.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
This is classic penis vs brain.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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