he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
