Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
