dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
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as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
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I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar