she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.