the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
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I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
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DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once