between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I don't want my vagina anymore.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
