don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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