Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just threw up on my dentist
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
