So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
