Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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