you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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