dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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