Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
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New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
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her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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