I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
