What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
