dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
