I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
