If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Randomize
