i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just want to make out with him forever
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell