No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Sober January is a disaster.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé