Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
