I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The best revenge is premature balding
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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