We're like a lot better than the average bears
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"